Torn

Having come to Vancouver almost a year ago, I have learned many things.

One, I am alone here. No immediate family member, no long time friends. Here, every one has their own life. My friends are either at work or at school. Or just plain busy. It might be the same case had I stayed in Manila. But I have some people at home to talk to. Every time I have the urgency to call my friends, I quickly realize I am not in Manila. I cannot do long distance. I miss those times when i just dial a friend's number or my Mom's office and I just chat away with them for hours. I have my doggie to play with.

Two, I have to work my ass off here. And when I look at my savings, believe me, it can get THIS frustrating, especially with a job that pays you so little when you work so hard. Well, I do earn money and when I convert it into pesos, yes it is really a LOT. But the standards of living between Canada and Manila are so different. 

I spend money on freaking stupid bills (such as a $180 cellphone bill!) and of course, shopping. I swear, I stopped shopping. I am trying so hard to control myself to go Downtown or to the malls. My proactive solution: rent movies to watch at home. I am proud to say, it's working.

Three, I have to grow up and be responsible for my sake. I have to cook, grocery shop, do laundry, clean the house by myself. I cannot depend on helper to do these things for me. It is actually humbling. I realize I took these things for granted in Manila. I never really did these houshold chores and I feel bad for it. Here, I cannot be the senorita I was in Manila.

All these things define the independency I have embraced here. I never felt alone in Manila because however crazy the place is, it is still my home. It is still the place that I grew up in, the place where my loved ones are. It may not be a welcoming thought but I like the independency I very much enjoy in Vancouver too. That is why I am torn. Should I go back to Manila for good or not?